A system that would allow you to see through the dolphin’s eyes, control their actions remotely- it’s such a remarkable achievement that it is hard to believe we don’t need to spend more than 10 seconds talking about it. This is when they start talking about “her equipment.” Despite being ~25 and having already spent at least a few years ascending to the top of the Navy’s most elite and challenging force, she is also the world’s greatest neuroscientist, because she has managed to create a computer interface to an dolphin brain. He is in possession of a giant snake, this is a world where being a reptile scientist means that you create giant freaky reptiles. She is brought to team up with the world’s greatest herpetologist. Despite taking a plane to get there, she hasn’t had a chance to change out of her bathing suit. Anyway, she has been summoned by the FBI dude and the next scene is them in a car in West Virginia. So she wins through trickery…how does that help you hold your breath during a Seal mission again? People hand her cash for winning the bet and she reveals a surprising proficiency for handling wads of wet $20 bills (how did this bet work again?). This somehow causes the Bulgarian Bruiser to run out of air and swim up to the surface. They get in the water, and after 30 seconds she takes off her swimsuit top off. This makes him good at going without oxygen somehow. A bunch of bros are having a breath-holding contest as a blonde lady who is obviously another former porn actress says that she has breath-holding experience from being a Navy SEAL and challenges a giant guy who is whatever the Slavic equivalent of a linebacker is. It’s good timing to find this out as we shift to a spring break party around a hotel pool.
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The Carwash Sponge was in Playboy Wet & Wild VIII: Bottoms Up so it’s no wonder she knew how to take a bath. Several men are all bit character actors, the women are all former porn actresses, the rest are Bulgaria’s finest. This is around when we look at the cast list. In the course of the conversation she throws the snake on the bed only to later sit down on it, toplessly, having forgotten that she had just thrown a snake on their bed 30 seconds ago. A snake slithers into the bath so she angrily stomps into the bedroom to yell at TC2, but it is impossible to listen to what she’s saying because these scenes are just excuses to see her breasts. It’s only 9 minutes into this film, but we’ve already seen everything, we’ve seen it all. His girlfriend gratuitously takes a bath using a giant carwash-style sponge. The inside is adorned like a tacky Greek Temple. He owns a 747-size aircraft for his personal use. Now we see Tom Cruise 2 on board his magic plane. After hanging up, the truck explodes, allowing an enormous snake to escape and dive into a sewer entrance. He takes a call from some goons driving a shipping truck and yells at them to do something. A cigar-chomping bigshot who looks like a non-name-brand version of Tom Cruise sits in the front row and orders “a box of raisinets.” He is clearly a player. Obviously, a Mexican wrestling match is beginning, and the citizens of York are going crazy as the pugilists are introduced. We open in York, Pennsylvania, a strangely specific location for somewhere that no one has ever heard of. What to say about one of these straight-to-video creature-features that hasn’t already been said? You may ask “Why would someone actually need to review something so obviously terrible, and from 8 years ago? Don’t we already know everything we need to know about this alleged ‘film’ from the title?” My response: who the hell do you think you are, telling me what I can and can’t write about?! Do I come down to your blog and tell you to stop posting pictures of your goddamn two-year-old and what you had for dinner last night? Of course I don’t, so shut the hell up and read my synopsis of one of 2004’s finest Snake vs. So last weekend we watched it Mystery Science Theater 3000-style with a couple of friends who are connoisseurs of this genre, and it seemed only fair to share my insights on it here. Someone donated this DVD to my girlfriend’s library, and since adding it to the collection would raise all kinds of alarm bells, she was given it to take home, to avoid suspicion.
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